general fuzz

Musing from a obsessive computer music composer with hippie-ish tendencies.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Unrest

Well, I'm kind of a mess right now. I haven't been sleeping or eating much this week, and I'm not sure why. I feel like I started this week on such a high from last weeks shows. I do have sleep issues which rear their ugly head fairly regularly. I think a lot of my insomniac tendencies arise from underlying emotional issues that I'm not confronting. I have a weird mind - I don't always face all that’s going on inside, but it always comes back to haunt me. I’m probably not unique in this way.

I had a tough time when I was growing up. My absolute lack of eye hand coordination coupled with my learning disabilities meant I was never going to fit in. I didn't really start to hit my stride till late high school, where I started forming an identity with some amount of self confidence. At Oberlin I was able to flourish, finally relieved from the bonds of my adolescent peers. I was actually dating Stina (my now wife) when I went to Oberlin. She was a year younger, and joined me the following year. Things did not bode well for us after our first semester together, and the breakup was truly the low point in my life. It was fucking terrible. It dragged on and took a heavy toll. That was the first time I seriously faced insomnia, although I haven't been the best sleeper all my life. I eventually dealt with that breakup by shutting down a lot of my emotional self as a kind of self defense mechanism. It was really that bad.
Now I feel you should have an understanding of how Stina and I ended up married. We didn't communicate with each other for over 2 years after that. We had a lot of growing up to do, and we definitely needed to cut ties to accomplish that. We both entered and exited several relationships during that time. We ended up living in the same dorm my Senior year. During that year we were able to slowly reconstruct the underlying friendship that initially brought us together. After I graduated and my current relationship ended, we discovered that we still had strong feelings for each other. So we kinda got back together and then six years or so later we got married. That was a good time.

Anyways, I was an emotional wreck growing up, and very emotional at that. As I started becoming comfortable with myself, I started reining in some of those emotions. Again, I imagine that’s not so uncommon. Yet, turning off a lot of that emotion after our initial breakup those wasn't so healthy. I've really struggled to be more self aware in last 5 years. I actually have to stop everything I’m doing and really take an objective look at whats going on. I’m always doing stuff. When I’m not, I want to be entertained by TV, books, etc.

Usually my insomnia is triggered by unpleasant emotional issues that I'm not consciously dealing with. Thus, I unconsciously deal with it with physical unrest. On the other hand, I'm not always able to understand the motivation behind my insomnia many times. After a couple nights of shitty sleep, I take the cue and try to figure out what’s bothering me. Like now. And I'm not really sure what it is.

One thing that has been bothering me more is environmental issues. This is really atypical. I don't really think about "issues". They are too huge in scope and often not tangible enough for me to really focus on. War sucks. I know. But I'm don't spend a lot of mental cycles worrying about it. Nor Politics. I focus my energies on the community of people I know. Those are the people I want to help out and actively attempt to create a positive environment with. For some reason, global warming started entering my stratosphere of caring 6 months ago. Probably from all the media attention it’s gotten. Then I move on to trash and how wasteful we are, and where all this trash goes. Erin did a nice blog posting on plastics, and so I learned more about how awful plastic is. It’s not like I'm radically changing my lifestyle so that I'm totally environmental friendly. Far from it. But I'm aware of how often I throw shit out. I'm trying to recycle/reuse more, but I could do much much more. I probably won't, mostly because of how difficult it is to do so.

Another thing is age. I'm not so sad about getting older. I don't see 30 as this terrifying thing. In fact, there's a lot I like about it. Along with me getting is older is my folks getting older. Stina's folks getting older. Thats harder. I also feel like there's a ticking clock until babies start entering my life. That terrifies me in a lot of ways. I'm blessed that Stina and I are on the same page in terms of wanting them. That is to say: not now, but eventually. Probably. Almost certainly, really.

I'm so selfish in how I want to spend my time. I love having a good time, and am very proactive about making it happen. I also derive so much satisifaction from creating music. Its way more then a hobby - its a passion. It would be so hard to give that up. I know I don't have to give it up completely, but unless I'm doing it as profession, it’s gonna take a serious back seat for a long long time with children in my life. Doing it as a profession is not really that realistic. I'm a software engineer by day, and that really helps pay the bills. Not to mention that I do like the whole computer programming thing. I'm pretty good at it. There's some interesting/fun challenges in there. But in no way am I passionate about it. And then there's the whole moving back east for children, which I'm also not feeling so good about. I think I posted about this earlier.

On the otherhand, shouldn't this all spur me on to enjoy my life right now ever more? Push me to take advantage of all that I've got? I'm not a terribly motivated person - I tend to surf life more then push myself to the limits and see what I'm capible of. I think I'm ok with that. Mebbe I need to do more. Who's to say.

I'm unsure of what’s going on inside my head right now, but I figure it’s gotta be a healthy thing to write this out. Anyways, this is good prep for going to see Theivery Corperation in an hour . . :) Another 3 show weekend for Jimmy. You can read all about it as it unfolds. I like the blog. I'm glad I got started. Thanks for motivation, my blogging friends. You rock.

5 Comments:

Anonymous jw said...

You definitely need to get the tempur-pedic bed. You should at least be able to enjoy your insomnia in comfort.

9:56 PM  
Blogger PVision said...

Baby steps to self awareness. Oh wait, that's me.

Blog it out, baby. Blog it out.

11:57 PM  
Blogger I am an Edu-Dame said...

Doode. Seriously - Doode. No wonder you're having sleep issues. You've outlined a few issues that drain some serious mental wattage.

I had terrible sleep issues growing up, resulting from a break in we had when I was 10. I grew up convinced that scary men were going to break into our home during the night. I still sleep with lights on when I'm home alone ... like during the two weeks Dan just spent in Costa Rica. I also often have issues staying asleep all night, but my issues are often work related, like getting up at 4:00 in the morning to draft an "angry" letter to the teacher’s union. Y'know - typical stuff :-)

Point being, not sleeping usually sucks, and I hope that you can get some sleep. Soon. Maybe you just need another good show wherein you can do some of that focused thinking of yours.

12:53 AM  
Blogger general fuzz said...

I think I just need to come back to Maui and hang around with you two. . .

6:26 PM  
Anonymous elk said...

did the writing it out help you sleep? for me, that worriesome idea of being older can drive me a little bonkers...it makes me feel more responsible for some of the problems and "issues" now that I have the means and the time to focus on things beyond myself. To say nothing for life's little transitional moments...maybe stina's personal overhaul makes you want to do it, too! thanks for sharing. ;) - erin

8:59 PM  

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